(no subject)

[greatfountain]

i just need to get this out, i've been having anxiety attacks on and off since last night ever since it occurred to me that my grandpa collapsed out of the blue and was dead two days later and i never even got to see him

my dad's in the hospital with a heart issue after what they think was a small heart attack

my mom went up to see him this morning

i have been alternately awake and freaking out and sleeping for hours after freaking out because these attacks exhaust me

my medication is doing a good job of mitigating the constant jitters and anxiety i used to be facing--i would have an attack and spend hours and hours in that high-tension place, hyperaware of everything etc--but the result is these cycles of attacks + anxious jittering -> calm down -> attack etc and it's basically just as bad and i just

i have no reason to be thinking half the things i've been thinking and i know it's ridiculous to be thinking i'm just going to get a phone call saying he's dead but i can't help it and sdoigjdfiogfdijgidfongjdfngjdfih

i slept for four and a half hours last night and i'm so tired i'm dizzy again but i can't make myself stop freaking out ugh